Part Fifteen: Only In The Darkness Can We See The Stars

Confesh-sesh #18:There’s always a silver lining…except when it’s always fucking raining

Expectation…There is power in that word. Just eleven letters but carries triple times the weight of the simplicity of those four syllables. Expectation is the greatest leader to disappointment. I suppose that’s where all those quotes originate from, ‘no expectations, no disappointments’ , ‘peace begins when expectations end’, ‘don’t blame people for disappointing you, blame yourself for expecting too much from them’.

What are expectations anyway? The meaning of the word is ‘a strong belief that something will happen’. Simply, it means we want something to happen the way we want it to. Key word, want. Expectations are things we want. We expect good things for ourselves and the people we love.

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Expectations are just being hopeful. Hoping that things go in our favor, hoping to be successful, hoping our relationships last, hoping not to get hurt, hoping to be happy, hoping that everything we imagined and expected in our heads come to pass…

You see now, why expectations lead to disappointments. We expect certain things of people which are just external manifestations of what we want and when we psych ourselves up with the hope of this expectation and it doesn’t (as is most often the case) happen, we’re left with the only natural response…Disappointment.

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Robert Ludlum (if you don’t know who he is, he is the author of the Jason Bourne triology) said, “Hope is the only thing stronger than fear. A little hope is effective. A lot of hope is dangerous. A spark is just fine as long as its contained.” Hope is a dangerous thing but rebellions are also built on hope (yes, that’s a Star Wars quote, you’re welcome #Nerd).

Hope keeps us going. We hope for a better tomorrow, we hope that everything will fall into place, as humans, we hope. There’s no guarantee of what will happen, so we hold on to hope. It is the only thing that gives us some sort of reassurance and we cling to it.

Hope keeps dreams alive, it eases pain and it provides an inkling of optimism to carry on. When then, do hope and expectations become dangerous? I’d tell you. Hope is dangerous when we begin to use the last shred of it as a life raft, when we hold on too tightly to the hope of an expectation and we lose sense of reality, of what’s in front of you. Hope can destroy you. Hope leads us back to expectations, which then bring us right back to disappointment, it rips the newly formed scar off of your wounds.

That is when hope is dangerous…

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We last left our story where someone called my mom to tell her about the fights Mr A and I were having. I resented her for this. I confided in her, not with the hopes that she would intervene, but because I needed someone to talk to and she made a bad situation so much worse…
She was notorious for interfering in people’s relationships and as much as I knew this, she was someone I considered highly and who had been there for me in the past.

Although what she did was highly inappropriate, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. There are many things I can say about this girl, about the things she has done to my family and I and very recently to my friends and I, but that’s wasting time and energy when we can just focus on the blessing that came out of her involving my mother, the one thing I’m actually grateful to her for…

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When my mom found out about our fights, she was furious at the way they escalated. She was upset with me for allowing it and she was upset with him for getting so angry. If anyone knows my mom, she’s actually very rational and the least confrontational person ever. I honestly wish I could be half the woman that she is. She handles every situation thrown at her with such dignity and grace and believe me, life has thrown some really messed up situations at her.

She isn’t one to get upset and shout, or to curse and belittle you. My mom sits and talks, (and that woman could talk!) she lectures and tries to make you see reasoning and logic and she is a firm believer in second chances.

She sat Mr A and I down and of course the lecture ensued. Something that struck both Mr A and I was when she motioned her hand to us and she said, “I held her in the palm of my hand like this when she was born, I brought her up from this tiny baby with the most respect and love…” Our hearts both sank, and from the expression on his face I could see that he was shattered too. We looked at each other and we realized that intervention was needed. As upset as he had been with me for telling my friend about our fights, and as upset as I was with her for telling mommy, that all faded into the background and we knew we had to change our habits.

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As much as we both knew this and we tried, old habits are extremely hard to break and we did get into other fights. My mom again caught wind of this, and this time she decided to take matters into her own hands. She called his mom. So many mom’s involved in this story…

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It is important to note that his mom and I had become extremely close, I spent a significant amount of time with her. I had stuck around her while she was cooking to learn some of her tips her tricks ‘cuz homegirl could cook! I’d sit with her while she was cleaning or we’d just both sit and talk because we had similar interests and outlooks on certain things. I always remembered a grocery run we both went on and not only did she introduce me as her ‘daughter-in-law’ to people but we had a conversation that changed how I saw things.She said to me, “You remind me a lot of myself when I was younger with Mr A’s dad but you need to start putting your foot down with Mr A, because he won’t respect you if you don’t.”

Solid advice…which I took. Well, I tried to.

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When my mom called her, she lost it. She was furious with Mr A. Mr A and I both knew that things were going to HAVE to be different if we were going to be together. Then what we both feared happened… they banned us from seeing each other until we made some change. Talk about feeling like 16 again…

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Mr A and I were devastated. It was the lowest point of our relationship. We kissed each other goodbye, not knowing when we were going to see each other next and holding back tears.

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We had no intention of staying away from each other. We knew we were adults and would find a way but we thought about the circumstances that got us in that situation in the first place and decided that we needed to make a bigger effort into improving ourselves.

Mr A was always caught up with other people’s perspective of him, so much so that he often forgot himself and the people who were there for him. I often wondered if any of this was for me the way he said or if it was to work on himself to uphold his image. Either way, he was determined to change.

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He began beating up himself, tearing himself down…and everytime he felt like this, I was there to build him back up, chipping away at pieces of myself to make sure he felt better. Although we hadn’t been seeing each other, we both felt strangely closer and a stronger, deeper connection because we had been communicating so much more. We would spend hours on the telephone each night, just talking.

He’d convince me that he loved me and he wanted to change for us, so that we could move forward. And I promised that I would have been there regardless of what happened, what we needed to do and whatever was thrown at us. He was so convinced I was going to walk away, and every time I showed him that I wasn’t going to, he didn’t even understand how it was possible for me to be there the way I was after the things I had endured.

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He decided to take action for the both of us. He called a therapist.

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Mr A recognized there was a problem, and he wanted to work on it. People don’t change unless they want to and he wanted to. The time, effort and dedication that he put into it was just admirable. I told you, I’ve never witnessed someone truly change until I experienced this with Mr A. He’d always tell me he wanted to see me truly happy again and he did it for us, and whatever the reason, his complete 180 degree turn was impressive.

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Again, of note,  we did not go for couples therapy. HE went for therapy to deal with his anger issues and I went for one session to discuss my concerns and we had one joint session. Honestly, that therapist was a miracle worker because Mr A’s change was mind blowing.

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This was the happiest I’d been in a long time. Things were going smoothly. Our dynamic was even  better. My hopes and expectations started growing. The more love he showed and the way he changed made me open up my heart even more. Every wall I started rebuilding, immediately fell down like Humpty Dumpty.

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I was full of hope for our future. He promised that he’d never hurt me again.We promised never to leave each other, we’d been through the worst. It was only up from there. It was him and I against the world. We were the #PowerCouple again. We were unstoppable now…

The set up for my biggest disappointment…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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