Confesh-sesh #4: There’s a girl I know that just got two engagement rings. The love of my life just got himself two girlfriends…
I’ve been asked the very specific question as to why I’m starting this blog on the 12th of September many times. Why this date? Well, to be frank, I was going to start it on the 11th of September, yep. The famous 9/11. While many people mourn the loss of family and friends while recalling the tragedy of that day, I can’t help but think of my own tragedy on that said day. The terrorist attack on my heart.
* * * *
I have tried to recreate events, locales and conversations from my memories of them. In order to maintain anonymity in some instances I have changed the names of individuals and places. I may have changed some identifying characteristics and details such as physical properties, occupations and places of residence.
* * * *
Confesh-sesh #5: Fairytales set a girl up for disappointment.
Perspective…according to trusted and reliable Google, A particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view. Let me tell you, perspective is one hell of a fucker.
Take this example, two people can be walking down the road at the same time of day, passing the same things, having the same conversation, but see things completely differently. Person X, the sky is blue, what a sunny day, the world is lovely, ouuu butterflies! Person Y, fuck this fucking dumb day. It’s gloomy as fuck and why is this jackass so happy? Ya catch my drift?
This is, therefore, strictly from MY perspective. There are many tiny details I’d love to include but then this post will be never ending. So, let’s refer to this as Part: Oh shit.
* * * *
It was a dazzling day, wonderful and in all its glory. (How to write an essay in Std 5 101). I ran away with my parents for the weekend to another island. I was still in school at this point and we had to choose the location for our next rotation. So here I am, happy…on this beautiful island, beautiful day then I get a phone call. At the time, I thought it was an inconsequential phone call. Little did I know how this one phone call was going to change my life forever.
* * * *
As I mentioned in my About Me (If you didn’t read it, dafuq?) before this my life had been pretty easy and straightforward. I was SO sheltered, living in this bubble that my parents created for me, I barely touched alcohol, I’d hardly go out and I was just generally blissfully unaware of the everyday fuckery that is life. My parents did an amazing job at letting me think for the majority of my life that it was all unicorns and rainbows. To this day, if this were a blessing or a curse, I’m not sure, because when reality hit me, it hit me hard. Fuck.
* * * *
To say I’d been in ‘love’ before is a gross over exaggeration. The only thing I really knew was that I had a knack for choosing shitty men. But shit, lemme tell you, when it happened, it quite literally hit me like a fuck tonne of bricks.
Let’s rewind a bit shall we?
* * * *
Enter my first crush. I met him on Hi5, I know, pause for dramatic effect, which I wasn’t allowed to be on but still was on it anyway. Again, sorry ma but you shouldn’t be surprised by this. You raised animals. He at the time seemed to be the coolest kid. This coming from a girl who went to an all-girls school and had extremely little exposure to anything else. He was funny and weird. Weird AF actually, but we became fast friends. At first, I didn’t like him at all. Then as the months passed and he persisted, that feeling in my tummy started appearing. I was crushing HARD.
By this time, a year or more had passed and he asked me to be his girlfriend. AMAZING. What does a girlfriend at this age and with strict parents mean? REALLY long ass Hi5 testimonials and REALLY long phone conversations. SAD AF. Nevertheless, we really and truly began to know each other because all we could do was talk. He became the first person I’d go to with good news, bad news or just news. He knew me so well that he was the only person who knew how to console or comfort me regardless of the situation. To this day, he’s still that person.
He was my first kiss. I wish I could have said to you that it was one of those romantic foot popping experiences. It wasn’t. It was in a cinema in the mall, he was slightly intoxicated (homeboy walked around with a flask *holds head in shame*) and I had no idea what I was doing and I started laughing hysterically mid-kiss. There was some knocking of teeth and saliva everywhere. Imagine sitting there awkwardly for the rest of the movie. Like do we try this again? Do we call it quits? Should I smile? It makes me CRINGE thinking of it.
As our relationship progressed, and as we got older, our lives started to take very different paths but still traveling along the same road. This marked the beginning of my first heart break.
* * * *
I started hearing less and less from him and he started going out more and more. I’d have random people call my phone to tell me they’ve seen him with other girls and it’s time for me to get smart. Of course, confronting him about this was as useful as a dick in a nunnery. I was crushed. My inner drama queen went on a parade. OMG! My world is ending. What is life? I’m just gunna lay here and die.
After all of theatrics, he came back to me a month or 2 later. It was all puppies and sunshine again! This back and forth continued most of my teenage life. He always left and came back as he pleased until I got strong enough to say ‘NO’. It was a roller coaster of emotions. However, through all of the bullshit we’ve managed to remain best friends. He still annoys me daily.
* * * *
Now, let’s move on. Since we’ve gotten that out of the way and since you can now understand the events to follow a little better, let’s get into it.
* * * *
I am a chronic procrastinator, but this post in particular, while I’ve wanted to do it, I feel like I’m finding every possible thing else to do. I’ve been writing this one for months, gotten up at least 20 times when I’ve decided it will be my next post, I’ve cooked AND burnt my hand, pretty badly I might add, I’ve eaten, cleaned my room, YouTubed, Instagrammed Every fucking thing else. I know you’re curious so I’m gunna stop teasing and start talking.
* * * *
Bad Bish Lesson One: Don’t fall in love. Why do you think they say ‘fall’? As far as I’m concerned, falling isn’t a good thing. I’ve fucked myself up really badly falling. Most people who fall injure themselves. Why would anyone think ‘falling’ in love will be any different?
I’d like to take just one moment to talk about one of the greatest love stories ever told. If you thought Romeo and Juliet…
I’m talking about Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf. They have had one of the closest to real life relationships I have ever seen portrayed. They showed what happened after ‘I love you’ and that shit never goes as planned. They also showed that if you truly care and love someone, seeing them happy is everything you’d do even at the expense of your happiness. Maybe the scheming isn’t that close to reality but if you hoes tell me you never ‘tried to play the game’ you’re lying. He didn’t respond to my message for 20 minutes so I’m gunna make him wait 2 hours. Exactly.
* * * *
Back to that sunny day. The phone call. It was my best friend calling to say ‘Your luck strikes again, you got put in that place you didn’t want to go.’ Fuck my life. There were only 4 spots at this place, and out of a class of twenty-something or more, inevitably I was one of the unlucky ones to get put there. Perfect. I didn’t complain, she volunteered to come with me so I wouldn’t be alone, for which I’d forever be grateful. The feeling of panic and dismay was soon overshadowed by pure excitement. We were going to rent an apartment. I was going to be in a city far away from my parents (I cried at the thought of this still) but rooming with my best friend! We were so ready for this freedom…except, PLOT TWIST, we both had our licenses but neither of us drove. This meant that someone had to come with us. So much for all that freedom…
* * * *
Our first week was hell. We didn’t know anyone, we’re both away from our parents for the first time and we’re in this strange place still trying to figure out the ropes. We felt like legit losers. We would have lunch in a storage closet because we were so uncomfortable there. That became our hideaway. For the first week anyway.
Remember that first crush I told you about earlier? Well, he was working in this city so naturally, since we were still friends, and since we couldn’t drive, he would take us around, show us the town and ALWAYS made sure we never went hungry. And when I say never, I mean NEVER. There was always food in excess with him, breakfast, lunch and dinner and dessert. We had an entire cake with just 2 forks. It was absolutely disgusting on our parts.
But, thanks to him, our 2nd week went so much smoother. We started figuring out the rotation and manoeuvring ourselves around the place. We even started getting assignments done…
* * * *
Do you know those moments you have and you immediately know things are never going to be the same after them? Spoiler alert. That’s what happened next. There he was…