Part Ten: Caution Tape Around My Heart

Confesh-sesh #13: I don’t need to be a psychic to tell you ‘man is dog’ but lemme check my crystal ball…Bippity boppity boo, he still gon’ fuck with you.

Soulmate…What’s that? Isn’t it often that we get along with someone and the first thing that pops out of our mouth is, ‘OMG! Soulmates!’ Don’t we believe that a soul mate is the person that you’re supposed to spend your life with, this person matches you in every way, in the literal sense of the word, your soul’s mate? We’re always on the search for our soulmate at some point in time. That’s the one I’d marry…

Well, WRONG. Your soulmate is almost never the person you’re going to end up marrying, not the person who literally set your soul on fire and brought life to you, the person who was everything to you, the one you cared the most about, the one you shared many things in common with and had some of your best experiences with. That person, and we’ve ALL had them, comes into your life, changes your life and then without warning leaves your life in complete chaos.

I’ve actually researched this for you guys… You’re welcome. I’ve read a lot of those spiritual blog mumbo-jumbo things and I’ve learnt about ‘soulmates, kindred spirits, twin flames, life partners’ and some other shit I still don’t understand…

The best definition I’ve found for a soulmate and one that’s a common theme throughout all of the blogs I’ve read is from ‘lonerwolf.com’.

“Soulmates are people in our lives whom we connect with on a deep level. As the name implies, soulmates are primarily friends of the soul. If you have found your soulmate they will likely be the best, and truest friend, you will ever have. You’ll be able to share everything with your soulmate, from your wildest dreams, to your most shameful secrets. Nothing is off limits.

Spiritually, soulmates usually play a major role in your development. It is possible for soulmates to be platonic, romantic and/or sexual in nature. You can also have multiple soulmates in one lifetime.”

I think we often confuse the true meaning of a soulmate because we focus on romanticizing it. Some soulmates stay in your life, some fulfill their purpose and leave. Your friends are your soulmates, your parents, your siblings, those are soulmates. They’re traveling along the same path as you, they teach you and challenge you and awaken you.

*    *    *    *

When we say ‘soulmate’, I believe we’re talking about our twin-flame. Confused? I was too.

Again, taken from ‘lonerwolf.com’ this definition would have us all saying… ‘Ah yes. That I can relate to.’

‘Twin flames are our mirrors. They reflect back to us our every strength, insecurity, weakness and shadow element. The purpose of the twin flame relationship is to help us undergo soulwork and become the best version of ourselves possible. At first twin flame relationships can be intense and tumultuous. This can carry on for many years. But once both egos surrender to their purging and purification, the gifts of humility, empathy and unconditional love are finally obtained.

Our twins reflect the disowned parts of ourselves; they are the yins to our yangs, the suns to our moons, and the light to our darkness. They propel us into shadow work, deep self-discovery and the fulfillment of our potential.

Your twin flame could be your greatest dream or your worst nightmare (or both). They will test you, provoke you and love you fiercely all at once.’

*    *    *    *

If you read that and someone didn’t instantly pop into your mind, or you didn’t instantly say, “Well that’s accurate…” Yuh lying. Some people are lucky enough to be with their twin flame, to have found them and things work out well for them, which may be why you can’t relate, but for the rest of us… We’ve all had that one relationship that changed us forever.

*    *    *    *

Mr A and my relationship had been anything but ordinary. It was fast paced from day 1, we both dumped our all into it. The dangerous thing about that was that we were both so heavily involved, with so many feelings that we were blind to so many other things. It was like diving head first into a pool but realizing the pool was frozen.

*    *    *    *

If you are a regular reader you know that I was his junior by 5 years. When I met Mr A I had been very sheltered and very immature. I handled situations like anyone who felt the way I did and were my age would. Like a child…

There was always a ‘test’ that I wanted to see him pass. Let me say this to see how he would react. Like almost every male creature, the line that he’d hit was, “I’ve never done this before for anyone. I’ve never been this way with anyone. I’ve never felt this way about anyone.”

So naturally, I had to test to see if this were in any way true. Did he really feel differently about me? For the most part he passed most of my tests (I literally almost typed ‘test-es’ fml) until one day I crossed the line and said something that changed the entire course of our relationship and revealed to me the real him that he had gotten so good at masking.

*    *    *    *

I wanted a reaction from him but not the reaction I had gotten. He went from this sweet, loving, caring person to an absolute monster. No matter how much I tried to explain myself to him, he was the type of stubborn to not care about the rational side of things and to think only what he chose and what would suit his needs best. He did not pass that test and maybe I should have stopped grading him but this was the birth of his nickname ‘The Hulk’. Something I’d blamed myself for, for months.

*    *    *    *

I decided, I didn’t like that person. That was not the guy I’d fallen for. Regardless of how dumb it was to test him like that, situations are 10% what happened and 90% how we handle it. I did what any normal person would do if you didn’t think it would work out in the long run. I broke up with him.

*    *    *    *

In that moment, I’d never seen him so helpless. I had to do what was best for me even though it killed me. He held onto my hand and begged me not to leave, not to give up on him, tears streaming down his face. Every bone in my body ached seeing him that way. I swallowed hard to get rid of the lump in my throat, he couldn’t see that I was just as broken as he was by this.

The more he cried, the more my resolve dissolved, everything that had happened before, the monster he was to me, didn’t matter. It became about him and me wanting to make him feel better. The things he said and did no longer mattered. I just wanted him to be ok.

“Please don’t do this. I’d be better, I’d do better.”

I gave in…I wrapped my arms around him, “Okay.”

Weak bitch.

*    *    *    *

It made me realize the darkness I was dealing with. There were so many things about him that he kept so well concealed, so many issues he hid from everyone including himself. He self loathed. It’s ironic because of how huge his ego is, but those with the biggest egos are the most insecure and that’s where our problems stemmed from. He immediately self destructed when anyone came close.

Instead of pulling away like I should have, I allowed myself to sink deeper and deeper into the blackhole that was his ‘love’. My Puddin’.

*    *    *    *

It became about him. It was always about him. He would blame all of his mood swings on my ‘test’, justify his actions for the next 6 months with the ‘test’, it didn’t matter what happened, I was always at fault and no matter how nasty he was towards me, I’d always have to humble myself because it was my fault. Then if that wasn’t bad enough, if I were to say anything, he’d start crying and apologizing and always promising to change which he knew always melted me and I’d immediately rush to be at his side. I was never allowed to feel hurt or anything at all for that matter because he was excellent at always making it about himself. Even. When. He. Was. Wrong.

*    *    *    *

This was now part of our routine. It was okay for him to act however he pleased because of one thing I said innocently months before…

I felt obligated to pull him into the light. Every ounce of strength that I had in me, I had given it to him. The harder I fell, the more I gave up. Every deep rooted issue, all his pain, I tried to take it away. When everyone else warned me that he’s destructive, I was the only one who stood by his side and believed in the good in him. He didn’t even believe in the good in himself. He had said all of these things to me. He never understood why I stayed by his side and how I could have been his only advocate the way I had been.

*    *    *    *

My biggest downfall is always believing there’s a good side to people, always thinking they can be saved, they deserve a second, third, fourth and fifth chance. My parents raised me really differently I suppose…

*    *    *    *

I was always there to take the wheel when he lost control. Even if he lost that control towards me. I did everything in my power to bring him back to the light side, slipping into the darkness myself and not even realizing it. I pulled him to the surface and the more I pushed him up, I started drowning. Trying to return him to innocence, losing my innocence in the process.

Bad Bish Lesson Three:  If you have to give this much of yourself up and have to ‘fix’ someone this much, IT’S NOT WORTH IT OR YOUR PEACE OF MIND.

Say bye-bye girls. ‘Cuz lemme tell you, he gon’ leave anyway.