Part Nine: Twenty-Five


Confesh-sesh #12: Twennie-furve, flirty and fun. I wish! Gimme a wheel chair and my pension please.

This post is a relatively short one. Let’s just revel in the spoils of 25 thus far.

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On the eve of my 25th birthday I was expecting an earth shaking, life shattering change… I’ve been alive for a quarter century, I now have one foot in the grave, a whole heap of bills, I have to think about life insurance in case I die or get sick and my knee hurts a whole fuck tonne, not to mention, I’m tired. All. The. Fucking. Time.

I can sit on my ass all day, but halfway through all of that ass sitting, I need a nap. I am crankier than a two-year old. If it’s anything I NEED  in life, it’s sleep. I’m failing at life because of how much sleep I need. Getting out of bed in the morning is exhausting.

Don’t even let me sit in a car or any moving vehicle because that’s it. Out cold. Cars are lullabies to me. How I manage to stay awake when I’m driving is a mystery to me. I’ve even considered pulling aside on the highway to take power naps.

Seems to be a recurrent theme throughout my life. Believe me, I have a plethora of these pictures because somehow it’s still amusing to my family the way I fall asleep on myself everywhere without fail. And of course, as if I wasn’t a walking embarrassment, I’m also a sleeping embarrassment. I snore, and my mouth is ALWAYS open. WHY!?! I’m still looking for a least attractive person than myself.

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Can we also just talk about this knee pain for one second? This isn’t even an exaggeration. I’ve had weird knees and feet since ever. When I started walking as a child, I would tip toe to walk. My foot never went flat on the floor, of course my parents and everyone in my family were convinced that something was wrong with me but I’d like to think I was over dramatic from birth and floors are gross.

I have experienced pain in my knees since I was really little, I’ve even had X-rays done, but my goodness, I swear at 12am on my birthday that knee replacement was expedited. The pain is AWFUL, and it’s even more creaky. This rainy season ain’t my friend either. I’m going to start a GoFundMe for my knee replacement. Accepting donations guys!

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I was really excited to turn 25, it just seemed so glamorous. I also low key thought this would be the time puberty finally hit me. When the clock struck 12.01am I ran to the mirror… Lemme tell you what I expected to see.

  1. Boobs
  2. A smaller waist
  3. A bigger butt (I haven’t been to the gym in months and it’s bye-bye gains)
  4. A pretty, smooth skinned face
  5. Less hairy legs
  6. A fucking adult

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What I saw…


The same hairy, round faced, flat chested, pudgy tummy, short, 14 year old looking girl. Still in a nightie, still with messy hair and spikey legs. In fact, I looked worse than before. Is that a fucking wrinkle?

So I’m guessing I have to wait another year to go through puberty?

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I believed that turning this ‘magical’ age would immediately make my life fall into place. Yes… I was about to have my shit together.


Still a hot mess.

Still about to wake up like this after a night of drinking. Aftermath of a ‘bachelorette party’ my friends and I celebrated, (those snaps will never be posted, but lemme tell you, they should be), the night ended with someone crying on the side of the road, police trying to console her, wet gyros, sleeping on the floor with that said cooler and sleep eating all the snacks in that bag on my shoulder. Fun times…

In fact, if 25 will change anything, it’s making me into a bigger alcoholic at my long list of things I’ve never accomplished and the way my life fell apart.

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Being 25 also makes me realize my parents care a lot less about me too. I’m an adult. It’s like when turtles are born, their moms literally just leave them somewhere they probably can’t even remember and hope that when they hatch they find them or just don’t die. It’s the reverse with me. I’m a reverse fucking turtle. They kept me since I was a baby and now they’re throwing me back onto the shore like “don’t die”. Like a momma bird pushing her baby out of the nest to see if it would fly. Think they’ve had about enough of me.

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I suppose with great age comes great responsibility but it’d be great if it can go taunt some other 25 year old… To all my friends, I nominate you.

All jokes aside, I’m really grateful and humbled for the people in my life and the way my life is turning out regardless of the hiccups. Sometimes we get exactly what we want and realize it isn’t what we need and then other times we get what we need without even wanting it.
But still…

Is it too late to ask for a do-over? Where’s the reset button?