Confesh-sesh #15:It’s all fun and games until shit gets real, then it’s no fun, just sick, twisted games…
Round and round we go, the same cycles, the same mistakes, the same hurt, travelling in circles with no destination. The faster we spin, the tighter we hold on, the sickening music becoming the theme song of our life, trying not to get nauseated as we patiently wait for the never ending journey to end. The blinking lights blinding every decision, that sick feeling in your stomach churning…
They say we go through the same thing repeatedly until we learn the lesson. The universe strikes again. Isn’t there an easier way to learn a ‘lesson’? Maybe write a book on it? How bou’ da?
Life boils down to a painfully boring routine. Everyone has it. Get up, get dressed, go to work, come home exhausted, spend a few hours doing something, go to bed then repeat. The same thing… everyday.
* * * *
The same holds true for how we deal with certain situations, how we make certain mistakes. It’s a routine. A fucking unbreakable cycle… Until of course, we learn whatever deep rooted message there was underlying our erratic behavior. Trust issues? Abandonment issues? Confidence issues? Daddy issues? It becomes exactly like a carousel, round and round it goes, covering miles but no destination…ending up right where you started in the first place.
We accept what our deepest insecurities tell us is okay. What we accept is what we allow and what we allow is what will continue.
* * * *
Life doesn’t come with a guide book. I mean we have parents, teachers, elders and friends who are the chapters of this ‘book’, but they could only do so much. We find ourselves winging it most days. Generally, making a huge fucking mess. It’s the classic tale of ‘you can lead the horse to the water, but you can’t make it drink.’ And so begins our cycle of unhealthy choices, bad decisions and never ending loops of the same mistakes over and over.
* * * *
When it comes to relationships, this common theme transcends. We find ourselves choosing the same kind of guy/girl, we are drawn to similar characteristics, similar personalities. The cycle will repeat itself until you learn your lesson. #BreakTheCycle
Your relationships keep failing, due to the same problem, with different people…Honey child, it’s time to stop blaming everyone else and start looking at yourself. Learn the lesson that’s trying to be taught. Or you can learn the hard way like I did…
* * * *
Mr A always loved a strong woman, one who had a sense of self, was free spirited and confident. The very characteristics that you lose by being with him. He had a way of getting into your head, a way of making you feel small, putting self doubt into you. He was a mastermind and he didn’t even know it.
Round and round we went…the same issues, the same solutions, the same hurt. As our carousel started spiraling out of control, I was glued to my seat and he just got off.
* * * *
Mr A was the most insecure man I’d ever met. Everyone who truly knows him, knows that it’s deeply enrooted in him. How unfortunate that the one person I loved the most was the one person who never believed it…
* * * *
Insecurity fucks with you, it’s powerful, like a drug that you never knew was administered to you. It alters your perception of reality, just as strong as any other illegal narcotic. It implants thoughts into your head and it blurs the line between fact and fiction. And mixed with alcohol…delusion sets in.
‘Luckily’ for me, all of Mr A’s insecurity was directed to me…
* * * *
It was his department’s Christmas party, all of my seniors were there. We were mingling, talking, laughing, having a really jolly time. He introduced me to everyone he worked with that I didn’t know. We had a couple drinks and were both having so much fun. Then the night turned sour…
He went to the bathroom and I stood right outside waiting for him because I didn’t want to sit alone. I took my phone out, the natural response in an awkward situation and awaited his return. He came back and I beamed at him. He did not return the sentiments, instead he whispered into my ear, “Which man were you talking to?” I looked at him flabbergasted. My mind couldn’t wrap around the concept, in the 2 minutes it took him to pee, he thought I had a new love interest? Who all happened to be his colleagues?
Like the idiot I was, I tried to justify myself, explain to him that I just literally stood there waiting for him to get back. Here’s the thing, whenever he drank back then, there was no rationalizing with him. If he thought it, it was true. There was nothing I could do to persuade him otherwise. He insisted we leave immediately, to which I agreed.
We got into the car…silence. Then he spoke, the words out of his mouth, I have erased from my memory. Even if I did remember I wouldn’t type it, because this isn’t about him or painting him in a negative light, this is about me and how I dealt and coped with certain things. I can tell you, it wasn’t pretty. It made me feel awful, how could someone who ‘loves’ me say such things?
* * * *
I stayed silent… The thing I always did when he was upset because anything I said in that moment was always misconstrued. I knew how to deal with his rage. Say absolutely nothing and wait until he was calm and rational again. Or so I thought… My silence was then misinterpreted as ‘nonchalance’. He got even more upset thinking that I didn’t care and his rage built on. I asked him if he would take me home because I foresaw the events of the night. He refused.
* * * *
Back at his house, he was awful, he said extremely hurtful things. I still remained silent. He decided suddenly, that he was going to take me home, which I was extremely grateful for. He changed his clothes and came back downstairs. He was being horrid to me, he was so upset and for God knows what reason, that he tore his shirt off his back. Literally tore his shirt in half. By this point, I could no longer put on the charade that I wasn’t bothered and tears were streaming down my face. I felt defeated. I didn’t know what I was doing wrong, I didn’t know what more I could have done. Everytime we got into fights like those I felt a part of me die. You don’t feel with your heart but the pain you get always starts in your chest. I felt suffocated. Like I couldn’t breathe.
When he finally calmed down. We drove home in silence. He tried to apologize but I just didn’t want to hear it at that point. What I never understood about myself, was even though he was so awful, I still loved him through it, I still made excuses for him. I knew there was something deep down that made him this way…I always told myself it wasn’t my fault. It was the only thing that got me through some of our toughest days…
* * * *
The following day, when Mr A was sober and all the sense returned to him, he couldn’t stop apologizing. I forgot to mention that I was ill, I had the flu so my sick body coupled with hours of crying, was roasting with fever. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. Mr A was always so remorseful after every fight, it was Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. He would be so hard on himself, and being the blindly in love puppy that I was, I forgot about all my hurt and pain to put his mind at ease and to try to convince him that he wasn’t the monster that he turned into when he drank. Like I said before, I was never afforded the opportunity to feel my feelings because immediately after I’d be tending to his.
He left work and drove to my house, knowing how ill I was. I had already told him I had forgiven him and I just needed to rest. He showed up, heart on his sleeve. He always had the saddest expressions especially after seeing me in all my hurt. He would just hold me and apologize. I put my hand on his face, “It’s ok. It really is, I just need some sleep.” He felt how hot I was with fever and his eyes welled up even more with tears.
“I’m so sorry.”
* * * *
No one knew what we fought about. All they knew was that we fought. They never knew why, what it was about, if we really had issues, if we were handling it, if it was something deeper with him or I…Nothing. They just immediately started adding even more stresses to our relationship with their disapproval.
* * * *
Mr A and I didn’t care. They weren’t in the relationship. We were. The love between us was insanely strong, which was where the problem arose. He’d say it all the time, “Love isn’t our problem, we have plenty love here. I’m madly in love with you. It’s everything else.” And by everything else he meant his insecurity and anger and my newly developing insecurity…
* * * *
We went to a concert that was being hosted at a popular venue a few days later. Let me tell you, every single time we fought, we made up so well and the next couple days after would have been pure bliss. He would have been so sweet and loving. Until he drank alcohol again. We were with his friends at the concert, we were having a blast.
I never knew what the line was that he crossed from being sweet to the monster, but it always came unbeknownst to me. He got hostile again, “I know you don’t love me. You don’t care about me.”
* * * *
I was confused… I tried processing this. What did I do now? Why would he just think I stopped caring? I did what I always did. I stayed silent. I didn’t know what to say anyway…
The man I loved with all of me, more than anyone else, thought I didn’t love him… WHAT?
* * * *
Back in the car on the way home, he lost it. He started screaming at me. About the way I didn’t care, the way I didn’t love him. Then he started sobbing hysterically, tears running down his face. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to just hold him but he was driving. He started to punch his steering wheel, “Why don’t you love me?!” He elbowed his window, he kept doing this until his elbow and knuckles were bleeding…
At this point I was hysterically crying and begging him to stop. I screamed at the top of my lungs, “I love you! What is wrong with you?! How can you even question that?” I held his bleeding hand in mine and kissed it. “Please stop.” I whimpered.
We got to my house…He was still crying as was I. We got out of the car. I got ice for his hands and I tried to clean his wounds. I held him. “I love you more than anything else, why can’t you see that?”
He was in no state to drive home. We lay on my couch, I held him so tight. We both fell asleep…
* * * *
This was our cycle, these were our fights. There was never any real issue, except that we were both so dumb. It killed me a little everytime. Always feeling like I was doing something wrong. That my love wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough…
Until I started fighting back…