Mess to Mom


Confesh-sesh #21: Ten little fingers, ten little toes, two beautiful eyes and a button nose… We made a wish and you came true!


Hi Confesh-seshers! I’m back after what seemed like the longest hiatus ever! But ya know…ADULTING… ICK! I feel like my fingers can barely contain their excitement to be writing again and my brain is in overdrive! I have so much to say and so MANY updates…

You’re probably wondering WTAF my title is about…What’s this crazy bitch talking about ‘mom’ stuff now?

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After a lot of deliberation, (and mainly my heart bursting at the seams) I’ve decided to share the newest chapter of my life. As if my life wasn’t crazy enough as it were before!

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My family recently suffered the unfortunate loss of yet another member, and after what seemed like the most fucked up year ever, was my welcomed little surprise. And believe me! It was a hell of a surprise.

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So I’m sparing no details. Ima give y’all the tea play by play.

 

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My period is like clockwork… I never miss it and it comes exactly on the day it’s supposed to… EVERY. FUCKING. MONTH. Imagine my surprise when mother nature decided to say ‘HA HA bitch, not this time.’ One day passed…

Nah, my cycle is changing…

Three days…

It’s the stress of work and traveling…

TWO weeks…

KAY! Let me take a test…

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My heart sank… I felt so many things all at once. It was as if I stopped moving and the world sped up around me. What the fuckkkkkkk…

Maybe I should take another test… Just to be sure…

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POSITIVE…

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Three thoughts played like a broken record in my head…

  1. My family
  2. My career
  3. My relationship

Don’t even get me started with that ‘social stigma’.

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For any of you who know me, I come from a very traditional Indian home. So baby before marriage(even though we’re engaged) is like I’ve just bought my ticket straight to the fiery depths of hell. And I mean the deepest realm. How the hell was I going to tell my family who have been stuck in their ways from the beginning of time? Fear overcame me. What do I do? How will they react? How will they treat me?

My initial instinct was to run. Come back after 9 months with the baby already born. No one can be mad when they see a cute little baby right? I kid you not, I pondered this for over a week, trying to figure out all the logistics, until I finally accepted defeat…

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My career had now more or less started back and I was finally feeling like I was getting my shit together. I had a number of business plans for when my contract was up, but they’d all be taking a risk, which at the time was no biggie, because my only responsibility was myself… 

But now, there’s two of me… and the scary possibility of being stuck in a job I detest for stability and never being able to pursue my dreams. UGH! First lesson of motherhood! 

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And lastly but most importantly, my relationship. When my fiancé found out the news he was beyond ecstatic and supportive. It was as if something shifted between us. A part of both of us that we had no idea was missing was suddenly filled. We had absolutely no doubts or second thoughts. We were extremely nervous, but over the moon with joy and excitement. 

Our wedding plans had already been halted due to the two deaths in my family. However, this just felt right. All my Pinterest boards and Instagram searches went from everything wedding to everything baby realllll quick! 

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My fiancé and I became more of a unit than we already were. Trivial things that bothered and upset us, began to seem just that. Trivial. I never thought it was possible for us to love each other anymore than we did, but with this news both of our hearts grew ten times in size. Our entire views on life changed. It was amazing to see how two self centered people suddenly allowed our center of gravity to become someone we were yet to meet. 

My fiancé added one more title besides ‘dad’ to his name… Doctor. He literally drills me on what to eat, what vitamins to take, how to sleep, how to walk, basically how to breathe and exist!  Let’s just say thank GOD we’re not having a little girl! #overprotective 

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There were however, a few thoughts that scared me to my core. Lemme break down what exactly was going through my mind…

I’m not married, not where I wanna be in my career, broke AF, and I live in a society of judgmental people, who wouldn’t understand even if we explained it to them. 

I was terrified. Terrified of everyone’s reaction, terrified of how I’d support a baby, terrified of being a MOM, but my mind was made… there was no turning back. It felt… right.

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My family’s reactions had been  beyond shocking. I may have forgotten the fact that I’m no longer a child. I’m a big going-on-27 hard back woman now. I was expecting the reaction they’d give to 16 year old me! 

They were all supportive and open minded. Looks like I didn’t buy myself that ticket to hell after all. 

My grandparents stunned me the most. I haven’t seen either of them this excited in what seemed like ages. My grandfather’s words will forever play in my head. ‘You can never disappoint me and I’m so proud of you. You’re going to be a great mom.’ If I needed any reassurance whatsoever, that was it. I guess the fact that my Papa is obsessed with my fiancé was a plus plus in this situation! 

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It was an extremely bittersweet moment, losing my favorite uncle, my mamoo Sogs, who lived with me and practically raised me. I wanted nothing more than for him to meet my son. He was excited when I told him the news, giving my fiancé and I some advice to boot. ‘Shit everybody. If y’all happy. Shit people.’ 

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Let me tell you, I’ve NEVER felt love like this in my entire life. In the midst of all the hurt my family faced last year, my nugget managed to wiggle his tiny way in and give us all something to look forward to. My heart is so full. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I have absolutely no doubts or regrets about my decision.

My life felt bleak and purposeless before this. I suddenly feel alive. Cliché I know! 

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That however, doesn’t change the fact that I’m CONFUSED AF! I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing and I’m freaking out at the changes of my body! Like what is happening?!

My Instagram is no longer makeup, or clothes and shoes, it’s full of strollers, nursery ideas, baby clothes and MATERNITY shoots! I’m nervous! Petrified even, but each little kick makes it hella worth it.

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To My Little Bump,

I solemnly swear to you, that as long as your mama is around, I’d protect you, I’d never let anything happen to you, I’d dry your eyes and kiss your booboos. I promise to continue singing the ABC to you everyday so you can come out of my womb already knowing your alphabet. I will continue to hold you and sing ‘Oh sweet child of mine’ at the top of my lungs. I’d read to you everyday. I promise I’d do everything in my power to make all your dreams come true.

I can’t wait to meet you and hold you, and keep you safe in my arms forever. If only you know just how loved you are already! 

Your mommy loves you and everything from here on out is about you and for you little nugget.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stay tuned for my crazy preggy journey! While I break down these body changes, nursery decorating and baby shopping on a budget and some cool new DIYs.

Now excuse me while I go pee for the thousandth time since starting this post…

 

#MesstoMom